So, we did a training activity at work the other day. We were instructed to go and grab two things from our room that we wouldn’t want to burn in a fire and bring them downstairs and explain why. In doing this activity, I went up to my room and looked around. Since it is my dorm room, some of my most precious stuff is still at home, so I wasn’t sure what to grab. I thought about grabbing a book but then thought everyone would think I was too nerdy, so decided against it. It took me a few moments, but I ended up grabbing the rough draft of my first novel and my Ipod. The former because that is one of my greatest accomplishments and I would be devastated if it burned, the latter simply because I was being lazy and it was smaller than my laptop, though in reality, I would have grabbed my laptop. This whole activity made me realize something:
I couldn’t believe that I was so nervous about what other people would think, that I rejected who I am. I didn’t want to be judged as the nerd of the group, so I didn’t grab a book. But that is exactly what I am: I am a nerd. And normally, I am quite proud of it. I love to read. It helps me escape and I would choose reading a really book fantasy book over partying any Friday night, because I personally just think it is more enjoyable (and cheaper!). I know if the building was burning, I would grab as many books as I could carry, because they have done so much for me. So it blows my mind that I was ashamed to show that to my coworkers, people that I have known and worked with for over half a year. I love each and every one of them and cherish them like family. If I’m not willing to show them who I really am, then how can I show the world?
So, doing this activity helped create a resolution for me this year. I want to be more honest with myself and with those around me. I want to train myself to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just be more honest with myself and who I am. I have struggled with worrying about what other people think my whole life. Being judged terrifies me. And that is NOT how it should be. No one should be afraid to do something, like something, or be passionate about something just because of what others will think. Even writing this blog post makes me worry what people think, because I could see people laughing or making fun of the fact that I actually took that activity to heart. But, I’m going to post this anyway, because I need to. I need to learn to not to be ashamed of who I am — personality wise, body wise, belief wise, anything and everything — and be proud. I want the world to know the real me. And I want to be able to show the real me without attaching fears of judgment and rejection from those around me. So that is what I am going to work on this year.
As for other resolutions, I have two more lifestyle changes I hope to make: faith and fitness. I want to become a more fit person and make working out a part of my lifestyle, not just something I do when I feel like it, every other blue moon. My goal is to work out every day before dinner, Monday through Friday, for an hour. I think doing this will help me manage my time better and just make me feel better about myself, because I’m getting active.
The other thing I MUST work on is my faith. I have always been religious and had a relationship with God, but I have never been able to truly articulate that relationship to others or explain and talk about my faith to others, both those who share my views or have different ones. And I want to be able to do that. So, I hope to actually go to church regularly every week and start actually reading the Bible, something that I have definitely slacked on in the past.
Hopefully writing these resolutions down will help keep me accountable this year, because I usually fail in keeping them. And that is just not an option. And maybe they helped inspire you with your own resolutions too, who knows! Either way, thanks for reading, and I am looking forward to writing more blogs during 2013. 🙂
“I’ve been afraid to lighten my heavy heart, ’cause maybe no one would understand. And maybe I’ll never understand, but I’m shedding my skin, so everyone can step inside and see the love I’ve felt since I was a child. Too often I forget to open up and let the light in. And one day, when all the stuff that bonds and makes us something rise and falls away, we will all be perfect.” — Heavy Eyelids, Heavy Heart by Jamie’s Elsewhere