More than a Feeling

♫ …when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling), I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)… ♫

Okay, so this post isn’t actually about the Boston song. But it was meant to make you start singing the Boston song; maybe even get it stuck inside your head, who knows. If it did neither of these things (or worse, you don’t even know what song I am talking about), you really need to sort out your priorities (Harry Potter reference, FTW), jump on over to the niffy YouTube and give that old tune a listen. Seriously.

No, this blog post is a personal one (though, lets be real, most of mine are) about the new lifestyle that I have tried to adopt, in order to conquer an old demon of mine that has refused to disappear since I was in middle school. For those of you who read my blog often (I can never thank you enough), you have prolly gathered that I’ve had self-esteem issues. For those of you who don’t, now you know. I hate mirrors with a passion and I usually don’t take photographs with my friends or family because I hate the way I look in them. I have ever since I mistakenly thought that someone refused to date me because of my curves and “not good enough” status, back in high school (oh, the fools we are in our youth). And I carried that “not good enough” mentality in every aspect of my life, and it has stuck since then.

This January, I was very terribly determined to change that. I wanted to become more active and work out more, so that I could change this body that I have learned to loathe so much into a body that I can love and appreciate and be proud of, through my own hard work and dedication to myself. It’s now March and I have never lasted this long in a workout grind before.

And I have no plans of stopping.

Of course, I’ve had my days where I missed working out, got too busy or skipped a day because I didn’t feel like it; had the days where I half-assed the workout just to say I did it or the days where I was dreading doing it the entire time. But I’ve also had those days where my shirt is soaked in sweat, I worked out and worked hard and felt amazing afterwards. And it is those days that remind me that this change in my lifestyle is so worth it.

And through this whole process, I have felt my body changing. And while no one has said anything about noticing any changes, besides a few family members, I am not bothered by that at all. Because for the first time, I am actually doing this for ME. I am doing it to finally feel proud and comfortable in my own skin; to love the body that I have and love the process of making it better and just generally living a healthier lifestyle. And I am blown away with how little I have actually thought negatively about my body in the past three months. Yeah, there are still areas I want to improve in and there is still a long way for me to go before I reach my goal, but the fact that I can feel the difference in myself means so much more than what I could have imagined possible.

This was proven true to me when I weighed-in and did measurements at a health clinic today. I am checking up on those numbers every four weeks, to see how they have altered and what progress I am making by the numbers. Unfortunately, I didn’t actually lose any weight, but even gained a pound. And considering that I am definitely not happy about my weight and this has been the theme my entire life, I usually get really, really down about it. And today, I did feel a schmidge of disappointment in myself that, numerically, the results were nil. But I didn’t let myself get depressed about it. It actually showed me how important what you put into your body, food and liquids wise, truly is. And no amount of working out is going to change you if you continue to feed yourself poorly. So now I know what I need to work on: stay steady on the path of being active, always trying to push myself harder while also watching what I put into my body — never eating less, but always eating better. Through persistence and will-power, this goal of mine will be reached. It may be a week from now (okay not really, but it sounds more poetic this way) or two years from now (there’s the more realistic choice), but it WILL be reached. And that’s more than just a feeling — it’s a choice. 

So don’t give up on your goals. Stick with in and stay strong. Do what makes you happy and don’t change yourself because society tells you you should, because that’s a load of bullshit. You be the person that you are, the person that you want to be, the person you know, deep down, that you are. Me? I want to be fit and healthy and happy. And I am well on my way to getting there. And that is so sick.

Cheers,

Nicole

(PS: And while I didn’t lose any weight, I have lost inches on all the measurements I took, including hips, stomach, thighs, calves and arms. *fist pump into the air*) 

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About Nicole Evans

Nicole Evans is a writer of fantasy and science fiction. She is currently unpublished and is working fervently to get the “un” removed from that statement. She has five completed manuscripts: a trilogy about destined heroes that fail anyway, a science fiction standalone that pits the natural desire to love against the natural instinct to kill during the extinction of the human race and a new series about a writer who can't get published and gets the chance to live a life that all writers dream. She also has two scripts done. Currently, she is about to start writing the second of a nine book series while planning two more. (If you can tell, she really likes this whole writing thing.) Considering she has run out of space for putting rejections letters up on her wall, Nicole now uses her spare time doing the typical things that nerds do: blogging, dying repeatedly during video games (which she believes is retribution for the characters’ she’s killed), wishing she was the character she is currently reading about and trying to fight off the real world by living in her own head, with varying degrees of success. Nicole has a degree in Creative Writing and a minor in Film and Media Studies, and works part-time as a supervisor in a library at the University of Kansas. View all posts by Nicole Evans

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