This post might make me sound a little pathetic…and maybe I am, a little bit. If you read my super personal post the other day, you’ll know that I rely on the opinion of others a bit too heavily. I also rely on other people as my main source of happiness a bit too much. Not saying that I can’t be happy on my own, but there are definitely times and situations where I feel like I can only be happy if X does Y. Whether it’s a friend inviting me to hang out or texting me back, a family member surprising me for dinner or a crush flirting with me, I’ve gotten into the bad habit of letting my happiness come from someone else, instead of creating it from within myself and letting any other source of happiness be a bonus, a complement, to what I create.
This might not make a lot of sense or it might make me seem like a really weird (which is accurate) and slightly sad (hopefully not true) individual. But considering my heart is a bit confused and not exactly whole at the moment, by being really sad over that, I’ve realized how much happiness came from that person…and I’m struggling a little bit to create my own happiness without them.
I realize this is something I need to work on. No matter what type of relationship you’re in, you should never rely on someone that much; to be the main source of your happiness. It puts too much pressure on them, it hurts you when you lose them and suddenly struggle to be happy and, honestly, it isn’t exactly healthy. Happiness should come from within you. Same goes for self-worth, which I also put in the hands of others too often. A friend told me that my affirmations of worth need to come from within me, not from other people. By doing that, it makes it easier for others to see how much value I truly have, instead of me struggling to find any value at all when relationships and friendships become complicated or confusing. I loved that advice. It was really eye-opening.
Obviously, I won’t be making any big mental changes in a day. I’ve had a lot of eye-opening moments recently and I still have a long way to go in becoming the person I want to be. But I wanted to try and remind myself that I can be happy no matter what life throws at me; no matter how lonely I feel sometimes, wishing I was in a committed relationship or missing my friends and family. So below, I wrote out a list of things that I can do to make me happy. As a reminder that I can, indeed, be happy alone. Might be cheesy, might be weird, that I’m posting this, but if I didn’t write this post, this list would never get written. And I think I need it.
So, without further ado:
Happiness To Me, From Me
- Trying out a new recipe.
- Cooking in general–and that full feeling you get after eating a good meal.
- Reading outside.
- Feeling the sweat drip down my face as I run.
- Getting my first dog someday.
- Buying a house! (I’m oddly really excited to do this.)
- Creating characters and worlds and challenges.
- Leveling up in a video game.
- Crossing things off of my To-Do List.
- Writing letters.
- Listening to a song that perfectly encapsulates your mood.
- That perfect fall weather.
- Wearing outfits that make me feel like a BAMF.
- Getting tattoos.
- A really hot bath.
- Finally working through that plot hole.
- Cliffhanger endings.
- Leaving the windows open during a thunderstorm.
- A clean house.
- Really good smelling candles.
- Eating popcorn and ice cream during a good movie.
- Buying a new outfit or book.
- Sleeping in on the weekend–or waking up feeling totally rested.
- Painting my nails.
- Nailing the side braid with my hair.
- Spending the entire day outside.
- Reading by the pool.
- Going on a walk without headphones and listening to nature.
- Having a really productive day.
- Clocking out before the weekend.
- Nerding out about Tolkien.
- Writing in coffee shops.
- Finally beating that boss (in video games) you’ve been stuck on for weeks.
- Decorating the home.
- Eventually planting my own garden!
I had no idea how long the list would turn out to be–and that’s just a list of things that I can do alone to create happiness for myself. It’s not complete. I’m sure there are other things I’ll think of. And that doesn’t even include things I can do with other people. Don’t get me wrong: I really, really love hanging out with other people. And I love how much joy I get from spending time with those that mean the most to me. There’s no plan to stop doing that (though, as I’ve gotten a little bit older, I have found that those moments are harder to come by, so I’m alone more often than anything else). But I just wanted to write down something, to remind myself that while loving others and finding happiness with them is fantastic, that can’t be my only source. Instead, my main source has to come from me, so that no matter what I go through in life, I still know how to be happy–even if it’s hard sometimes.